At the beginning of 2018, I bought a new camera. I also expected it to become a difficult year. It was. To document the year, I decided to take one picture a day of Ernie, and post this on WeChat, Instagram, and Facebook. Except for January 2, no people should be in the image. I managed to keep this habit until 31 December 2018. Once I lost him, and felt quite devastated, some desperate search on Taobao secured a replacement. It made me aware how attached we can become to things.
Early 2019, Simpson Tse designed a little book, documenting all my days of 2018. A year of travel. A year of loss.
This little book can be downloaded here.
Simpson Tse had to get all the images from Facebook, not only because it was an unexpected present, but also given that archiving is not quite my strongest skill.
2018 is a year I also write about in this poem, that was later published in the Book of Failure.
I fail to archive my pictures
I fail to archive my pictures
I fail to drink just a bit
I fail to eat less
I fail to go to the gym
I fail to read the chapter
I fail to do the review
I fail to call my friend
I fail to see the movie
I failed to call you that night
I failed to eat with you
I failed to comfort you
I failed to hug you
I failed to be with you that night
I fail in answering email
I fail in bed
I fail to manage it well
I fail to manage them
I fail to come
I fail to think
I fail to read
I fail to read more
I failed to admire you
I failed to tell you that
I failed to listen
I failed to talk
I failed to understand
I fail to write
I fail to write more
I fail to live more
I fail to clean
I fail to throw away
I fail to be creative
I fail to copy
I fail to relax
Too many I’s
I know
Too many failures
The desire for erasure
For no more, for amnesia
They tell me failure is good
It is resistance
It is queer even – and don’t I want to be just that?
I failed that birthday evening
I failed to reconcile
I failed to paint the door
I failed to understand
I failed to call you back
I fail to sleep
I fail to engage
I fail to protest
I fail to care
I fail to feel
I fail to meet
I fail to prepare
I fail to know
I fail to understand
I
Fail
I
Failed
I
Will fail
Jeroen de Kloet, November 2018
